


Vines, mallet, action!

by Not_So_Dark_One



Series: DC Universe stories by Not_So_Dark_One [1]
Category: DCU, Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019), Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Belle Reve, Bisexual Harleen Quinzel, Blood and Gore, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Canon Relationships, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Crack, F/F, Femslash, Fluff and Humor, Inspired by Suicide Squad (2016), Lesbian Pamela Isley, Married Couple, One Shot, POV Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley Loves Harleen Quinzel, Poison Ivy's Pheromones, Protective Pamela Isley, Suicide Squad, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:53:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26797660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_So_Dark_One/pseuds/Not_So_Dark_One
Summary: Harley and the rest of the Suicide Squad return to HQ, aka Belle Reve prison, after a tough mission only to be surprised by what they find there.OR Harley was forced to join the Suicide Squad and her wife has something so say about all that.
Relationships: Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Series: DC Universe stories by Not_So_Dark_One [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965415
Comments: 3
Kudos: 120





	Vines, mallet, action!

Beating the crap out of that psycho dictator-fornicator was nice and all, but Harley's situation was still the same.

A bomb in her neck and the bossing of that fat bitch Waller. Doing missions for that cunt, killing people for her and then back to jail. Promises of freedom in 10 years.

_That bitch is full of shit._

Till two years ago, Harley wouldn't give a damn about all this and maybe would even consider it just an adventure, but now....she missed Pam, her wife, who probably was going all nuts with worry over where she had gone off.

_I miss ma sweet ginger lil daffodil, with her smooth green skin, smooth green thights and lovey dovey boobies, where ya can happily get lost._

Harley could, and did, cry at da miss of her soulmate by her side.

It's not her fault that those mothafuckin' federal onaholes just surrounded her and knocked her out, put a bomb in her neck and even threatened Pam.

Eyeing the battered team, Harley pitied their sorry state.

Deadshot, a unique and most unimaginative name shoud be noted, had his ugly mug visible, cause of his half thorn mask.

Captain Buffoonerang was missing a tooth or two and could barely sit on his bleeding ass, after Harley not so accidentally, strictly by chance shot him righ where he keeps his head for insulting her sweetheart of an eco-terrorist.

Tatsu-shmatsu was talking to her sword as per usual. Rick Flag-up-the-backside was not as stoick as usual due to a gunshot wound to the chest and that idiot Slipknot was....well...dead. Not like anyone missed him.

The extremely hot and perhaps, just maybe, somewhat, kinda crazy, one of a kind Harley Quinn glanced at that self-righteous can a' blackmailin' and grit her teeth.

_Just gimme a shot at that cunt and I will shove ma shotgun down her throat and keep shooting till there is only a red stain on da floor. Or better yet, I'll keep slamming her with ma mallet till she turns into a stain on da floor. Options._

"Get ready for landing!" shouted the pilot and shook the clown girl from her thoughts. "We have arrived."

They arrived at Belle Reve, a prison not on da map of anyone nice, which was also the HQ of the Suicide squad and the place from where most of its members came from.

"Well done, squad. Ten years off your prison sentences." Waller exclaimed harshly. _Yeah, what is ten years off a life sentence?_

Harley jumped off the chopper first, dragging her mallet behind her and playing with her shotgun. She watched Waller stroll first towards the guards and ordered the doors opened.

"What the...."

The whole prison was covered in vines and plants were crawling throughout the corridor. The whole building had suddenly become a lot gloomier, yet the guards and personnel seemed indifferent.

"Guard! What is going on? Status report. NOW!" Waller shouted at the nearest person, she could find. "What's the matter with you? Answer."

"Come this way, please." the guard said in a nice, and quite frankly creepy tone. "It's mandatory, I am afraid."

"Who the fuck are you to give commands, soldier?", Flag questioned. 

"I don't know." he said, a dumb smile still plastered on his lips, the only thing visible from the stupid helmet. Katana hit him in the head and removed his helmet. The soldier's eyes were green and dark-green veins ran around his eyes, smile still on his face. 

"What the fuck is this? Hey, answer me, why are you doing this?" Flag questioned again and suddenly all the people around the group removed their helmets, faces the same as the restrained soldier's. 

"We all love Ivy." they all said in those calm voices, except now Harley was not freaked out, but deliriously happy. 

_Ma daffodil is here._ "Shatzi!" Harley couldn't help but exclaim in happiness. _This shit is finally gonna be over._

Unfortunately, all the others in the squad took notice of this and began glaring at her, none more so that Amanda soon-to-have-a-grenade-up-the-butt Waller. 

"You want to say something before I blow your head off, Quinn?"

"You are soooo dead, bitch. Ma girl's home." Harley said and cackled like crazy, absolutely fearless as always. "Ivy's gonna plant a tree up your ass, ya damn broad."

"We'll see about that. Squad, retreat through the door, quickly. We will regroup outside and wipe this place clean." Before Waller could finish her commands, the doors were sealed shut by massive vines. The moment one of Waller's few remaining goons tried to force them apart, massive thorns erupted from the plant and impaled the soldiers, much to Harley's amusement.

"Ivy wants you to stay. No one upsets Ivy." _No running away, ya tramp._

Flag was furious and walked straight to Harley, grabbing her by the throat and the clown girl was too amused to offer resistance, laughing at his frustrations. "What the fuck is going on? Explain NOW!"

"Ha, ha, haaa. Ivy's taken over Belle Reve, suckers. See these fellas? Ma girl's very convincing. She is addictive. I should know. One kiss and you just wanna have some more. HahHAHHAaaaa." She told him with a wide grin. "Betta do as she says, before ya get slaughtered."

"Enough of this." Waller shouted. "I will regain control of the building. Flag, keep an eye on her, if she so much as makes a wrong move, blow her head off."

They followed their zombified guides towards what Harley called 'the command center', or the place where Waller bossed them primarily. Now was not such an occasion. 

The place was covered in vines and at the center of it all, in a throne-shaped flower sat the Queen of Nature, poison, flowers and Harley Quinn's undivided attention, the one and only Poison Ivy. 

"Welcome." Ivy greeted them in that authoritative voice of hers, which made Harley wet her pants with excitement. "Took you long enough. I am hoping your guides were good enough."

"You will never get away with this Ivy. Squad, shoot to kill."

"Don't think so." Ivy pulled out a tablet and pressed a button, which resulted in Captain Moron getting his head blown off. "I have the codes to those bombs. If anyone so much as....what did you say...make a wrong move, I will blow your heads off."

"Oh, Ives. You are as romantic as always. Ahm, ya won't blow me up, right?"

"Hell, no Harls. I came to rescue you, not blow you." Ives replied and Harley almost burst laughing. "Up. I meant blow you up, uh whatever." the redhead grunted. "Listen up, losers. You can leave here alive, or you can die. The choice is yours."

After not so much wondering, not surprisingly all but Rick Flag left the room, after Ivy deactivated their bombs. Even Katana, ditched Waller. Freaking Katana, whose sole gig is to talk to her creepy sword. Amanda may not be showing it, but she was scared. And she should be. 

Even among the weirdoes in Gotham, everybody feared Ivy. While most treated Harley as a joke (until she smashed their faces in with her mallet, that is), they all feared Ivy because she did not play games and rarely took hostages. Certainly not one to gloat until they managed to free themselves. Still, there was an understanding of sorts among that lot - they rarely intervened in each other's work...most of the time. And nobody pissed off Ivy.....who hated most of humanity anyways and could easily kill most of them. 

Harley knew that her own Momma Nature could do a lot of damage if she put her mind to it. And judging by the notes of fear, written on Waller and Flag's faces, they knew so as well. 

Before the two could react, Ivy trapped them with her vines and hung them upside down. "Now....what to do with these two? Any suggestions, Harls?"

"Crush them to death? Oh, no no, I know, plant them in the ground like trees and leave them as food for the moles? OR you could hypnotize Flag to slowly strangle her? Or-"

"OH, for the shit of shit." Ivy snapped and had the vines crush Flag like a watermelon. Pieces of him got stuck in her hair and Harley shook herself off. "Harls, I wanted help with making up my mind, not making the choice more difficult."

"I thought it was going to be my choice?" Harley pouted. 

"You lost your murder privileges when you make me wait, damn you." she deadpanned. Harley was left with only Waller to kill and could not miss out on that, too. As much as she hated doing this to Pam, Joker's ex was left with no choice. She had to go for it.

The nuclear option.

"No. Harls! Don't you dare!" Ivy immediately started losing her composure as Harley began. "No, that's not fair." Harley's puppy eyes marked their influence as tears began to appear not just in the clown's eyes but also in the beautiful green ones of her green lady. "I can't. Stop! Make it stop. I forgive you." 

Ivy threw herself into Harley's embrace and stood there until their tears seized. "There, there. That was not so difficult now, was it?" Harley noted with a smirk. 

"How can you use that dreadful weapon on me for this?"

"I wanna be the one to kill her."

"Fine." Ivy lowered Waller to the ground and Harley lifted her mallet in the air. "I always wanted to do this."

"Quinn DON'T YOU DARE! The entire US government will be looking for you two." 

"They won't, cause you are one of the dirty little secrets they would rather keep buried." Ivy countered. "Besides, those are terrible last words."

"I know, right? You would think she would have prepped herself better."

"Fuck you both."

"Soon." Harley winked at Red, who was blushing...red. "Bye, bye Waller. Riddle me this. Now it is there," Harley smashed her mallet onto Amanda's face once. And twice. And thrice. And tons of more times, until there was nothing left of her head but a bloody stain "and now it isn't. What is it?" Harley wrapped up with a little plagiarism of the Riddler MO.

"Uh, her head. Also, don't steal other people's stick. In Nygma's case, this is all he has."

"Correct." Harley ignored everything her woman said after 'head' and leant in to kiss her. "As a reward, I am gonna pound ya anyway ya choose." the clown grinned at her blushing wife. 

"Not here. Back at the garden. The jungle is nice but this place is shit and there is a whole marathon of Game of thrones waiting for us back home."

"YAY!!!" Harley grinned at her wife and kissed her passionately on the lips. "You are the best wife ever!"

"I know, Harls. I know."

After slaughtering everyone else in the facility and setting the prisoners loose in the jungle as a distraction for any outside would-be pursuers, Harley and Ivy went back home, hand in hand.

_The End_


End file.
